To make matters worse (or better?), I’m in a year-long workshop where I have to submit bi-weekly status reports on things I’ve accomplished and . . . → Read More: How Come I’m Droppping The Ball Everywhere?]]> It may just be me, but it seems like every week is a vibrant reminder of all the promises I didn’t keep and all the to-do’s that didn’t get done.

To make matters worse (or better?), I’m in a year-long workshop where I have to submit bi-weekly status reports on things I’ve accomplished and where I fell short.

Well, you can imagine that my accomplishment section continues to be brief and wimpy. But let me tell you, I can always fill paragraphs on the places I’ve come up short.

As I listened to various people share in this workshop, I suddenly realized that in fact I accomplish a lot. I’ve coordinated 3 marketing tests since I was last here. I’ve provided coaching that’s making a difference in someone’s life. I’ve led “Making Sense of Men” to around 60 women in the last couple months. Perhaps I’ve even inspired some women in the process?

Do you know what? None of these accomplishments showed up in my status reports. What’s up with that?

I think I’m actually blind to the great things I do in life. Are you?

I suspect that the Ideal Woman has a lot to do with this. You know, the Ideal Woman? That voice in your head that constantly tells you where you come up short, where you’re not enough, how you might NEVER be enough? Yeah, her.

She is so busy telling me that I’m never going to be a great leader, that I don’t have what it takes, that it skews my entire perspective. I can’t even see where I’m great, where my life is great, where my community is great.

You know what? I firmly believe my life is better when I am constantly reminded of mine and every one else’s greatness. So I hereby commit to telling the Ideal Woman to take a lengthy vacation, and I’m going to start noticing greatness…. not just in others (which is always so much easier to see), but in me as well.

How are you great in the world? What do you accomplish? It’s time to speak up! Yay for our greatness!

Peace and greatness to you!
Kirsti

But the start of school also has me thinking about the next step in my own . . . → Read More: Reflections on Teenagers and Marital Strain]]> Fall is coming–hard to believe! Especially when it seems that summer has just started! My kids are starting to whine about school starting and I’m starting to think about shorter, cooler days (and how I’ll get enough sunlight).

But the start of school also has me thinking about the next step in my own growth for myself and in my relationships.

This is has been a challenging year for me. Raising a teenager never stays the same from day-to-day. I’ll have agreements with Curt about how we’re parenting, only to discover a month later that we aren’t talking the same language. And for those of you who are parents, disagreements about parenting can cause big problems for a marriage.

It’s caused me to think long and hard about my own principles and values, and how to honor Curt’s principles and values even when they are vastly different from mine.

My instinct as a woman is to cave in to Curt’s opinions to keep the peace. My instinct as a Mama Bear is to tell him to take his opinion and shove it. These two instincts clearly don’t go well together, and frankly neither improves the situation.

So I reach into my PAX training and tools. Thank God I have these tools!

I’ve scheduled a time to talk with Curt (for those of you who have done “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women” you know how important this is) and I’m reflecting this morning on what I need as a wife, a mother and a woman, so that we can have a constructive conversation and create all new deals for parenting and our own communication.

None of this is easy, and yet, I look back to 2007 and I can tell you with 100% confidence, that if I hadn’t done “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women” and the other PAX workshops, I would be totally giving up on my marriage (if I hadn’t already). Ending a second marriage would have seemed way easier than trying to solve these problems.

And yet, I have a growing body of evidence from my own personal adventures that every time I use a tool I learned from the PAX workshops, my marriage gets stronger. Each time we create a new deal, where we both win, I fall a bit deeper in love. Each time I teach my daughter something about men that I’ve learned, I see her get stronger, more confident, and more mature.

These are definitely rocky times in my parenting and in my marriage, but maybe that’s just the way of life? Maybe instead of dreading the rocky times, I can work on embracing them, knowing that I will come out more in love, more committed, more satisfied with my life, and more confident in my marriage.

I know it’s not New Year’s, but I’m going to try this as a new resolution.

That might seem hard to believe, but consider this…

More and more studies have shown that men actually have different vision than we do. In our workshops, we distinguish . . . → Read More: He Can’t Find His Keys (again!)]]> I know, this is probably one of the biggest irritants known to women-kind. But it’s actually completely innocent, and he’s really not just being lazy.

That might seem hard to believe, but consider this…

More and more studies have shown that men actually have different vision than we do. In our workshops, we distinguish men’s vision as “track vision.” In other words, their vision is very well designed to follow something (say a deer) moving through time and space, and their brain can predict with a high degree of accuracy where that deer will be as he throws his spear/shoots an arrow/fires the gun. Can you see how this would be valuable in an era where men where primarily responsible for providing food for the family?

Women, on the other hand, have what we call “scan vision”–in part it’s related to superior peripheral vision. We can walk into a meadow (or Target) and scan for what’s new, what’s ripe, what’s out of place, and what’s on sale–in a heartbeat.

If we go to a party, we immediately log what people are wearing, who has new highlights in their hair, who has lost weight… We notice this all in a split second.

Men don’t.

Unless they are hunting! My husband Curt remembers exactly what I was wearing when he met me (ok, I just tested him on this and in fact he ONLY remembers the skirt!). But ordinarily, this is not the kind of detail they notice and log.

The same goes for keys. WE notice what’s out of place (“what are these keys doing in the crack of the sofa??!”), but men don’t generally see and log that kind of information.

So they rely on us heavily to find things… and that is why you are searching for keys so regularly!

If you’d like to learn more about scan vision and track vision, as well as other topics, sign up for my free online seminar called “Understanding Men: Path to Partnership.”

Imagine, if you will, a woman. Let’s look inside of her. Not the way a doctor might see her, but someone with more intuitive vision. In the center of her chest is a very unique . . . → Read More: The Anatomy of a Woman’s Feelings]]> This is an excellent article written by Alison Armstrong, founder of PAX Programs.

Heart and Lungs, Life and Energy

Imagine, if you will, a woman. Let’s look inside of her. Not the way a doctor might see her, but someone with more intuitive vision. In the center of her chest is a very unique organ. It looks like a disk about the size of a salad plate, up to two inches thick, and it fills her chest. When it is healthy, the color is a vibrant red or magenta or red-orange, and the surface is soft and even bubbly. Like the lungs, it pulls life and energy in from the environment. Specifically from nature, from the joy of loved ones, from beauty.

Like the heart, it is connected to every part of her body through a complex circulatory system. As life and energy are pulled into it, life and energy travel to every extremity.

This organ is called “her feelings” and it is the core of her being. When a woman is delighted or happy, this organ fills with life and energy, expanding and expanding. The life and energy move from her chest to her lungs, and she may breathe more heavily or deeply. From there, the life and energy move to her throat, and she may laugh or giggle or sing.

Continuing upward, her mouth turns into a smile, her skin glows and her eyes sparkle. The life and energy flow through her smile and skin and eyes to the people around her and they are uplifted. When the life and energy reach her brain, they fill her head with hopeful, loving, magnanimous, creative thoughts.

And as they reach her arms and legs, hands and feet, her step becomes lighter and she may even dance.

This is when she is her most powerful, and paradoxically, her most vulnerable. Bask in her beauty and light and treat her with care.

Pain and Blackness, Silence and Immobility

Imagine now that something happens which “hurts her feelings.” Intentional act or mere oversight, when a woman’s feelings are hurt, the process works in reverse. The rate at which this occurs depends on how harsh or shocking was the hurtful act or comment. It may take three to thirty minutes for the process to be complete.

Within a few seconds the organ has constricted, changing color to black or dark gray and becoming hard and tight like a rock or fist. Vibrant and pulsing a moment before, it lies lifeless. The woman might gasp as she feels the core of her being shrink and harden. Then this new death travels the pathways that life and energy flowed through just moments before.

Being closest to her lungs, breathing will be the first to go. She will feel as if she can’t breathe and her actual breaths will become shallow. Next is the throat. She will be able to speak for only a few moments longer and then the death-feeling will shut down all energy to her throat. The “silent treatment” that others dread is not voluntary. She cannot speak. Her eyes will suddenly become sensitive to light, and especially to people. She’ll have to avoid all eye contact, for it hurts them. After a few more minutes the life and energy is gone from her arms and legs. If she can’t cocoon, she’ll move slowly. If she can, she’ll find a safe place, curl up and become immobile. As time passes, her body feels heavier and heavier, like dirt is being piled on top of her.

In her experience, she has been completely shut down. Then the real mischief begins.

For one small, crucial part of her brain has a back up generator, which turns on as the rest herself shuts off. And it has access to a specific set of files. Let’s call it “the Rage Monster.” While she lies breathless, speechless, blind and immobile, the Rage Monster dips into all the records of irritations, annoyances, pet peeves, and any unresolved injuries. With only these to work with, the Rage Monster starts churning out speeches. Its fantasy is all-out verbal warfare. It plots revenge.

As time goes on, the Rage Monster will gather momentum.

Physical proximity to the person who her hurt her feelings fuels the Rage Monster, giving it energy. Though lying buried under dirt, mute and blind, the woman may try to move to a distance from the source of the hurt, understanding intuitively that this might quiet the beast in her head. She may move to another room or out of the house altogether.

On the surface, the Rage Monster may take over the woman’s facial muscles, making her look angry or upset. But underneath its rantings, a small voice in her head is pleading for help, hoping the person who buried her might come dig her out. For he or she is the only one who can.

On the Other Side

Now let’s look from the point of view of the man. Why a man?

Because women are more vulnerable to the men they love than anyone else on Earth. And because feelings are different for men. Or so they have told me.

Men’s feelings, while just as deep and significant, don’t have the circulatory system women have. Scientists tell us that men don’t have as many connections in their brains from the feeling centers and language centers. This is good, by the way. Different but valuable for many purposes.

So, having a different relationship to feelings in general, the man does not realize that he has just hurt the woman. Whatever he did or said was not intended to be hurtful. Healthy men (which most are) never intend to hurt women. And that same remark or action would probably not have hurt him.

He has no idea that her feelings are the organ at the core of her being from which all life and energy flow. No one has ever explained that to him.

After a prolonged silence, he starts to worry that she may be mad at him. He hopes this isn’t true. If he loves her, then her being mad at him is the worst thing that can happen. He is hoping, and maybe praying, that she’s upset at something else, but please, not at him. As one man expressed it, “I’d pay a million, billion, gazillion dollars for her not to be mad at me.” For a being designed to pursue success in every area, this is the worst failure. She is the sun and the moon and both have suddenly deserted his life. And he doesn’t know why.

If she does something that clearly indicates that the anger is directed at him, then hope will die, he’ll know he failed, and there is nothing to do now but fix it. If he has been able to fix it in the past, he’ll quickly respond. If he has never been able to fix it, then he’s really sunk.

Until the woman does something that overtly communicates anger, like going to sleep in the other room or stomping out of the house, he’ll keep hoping that it isn’t him. This is how the woman can be left buried under the dirt in darkness and silence for hours. He doesn’t mean to be cruel. He doesn’t know that she’s drowning and that he’s the only lifeguard.

“I’m Sorry I Hurt You” Raises the Dead

When he does go her, he’ll want to confront the anger head-on. Because he thinks it is real. He doesn’t know that it is the Rage Monster’s default program of miscellaneous junk that really didn’t bother her that much at the time. If he engages the Rage Monster by being angry himself – perhaps because it seems unfair to him that she is angry – then he’s likely to hear all the trash that has been being gathered and rehearsed. A smart man will treat it like the garbage disposal backing up. An informed man could avoid it altogether.

Beneath the anger is the hurt that shut down the whole system and enabled the Rage Monster to take over. If he says, “I’m sorry” – and means it – life will suddenly flow back into her chest and make its way to the rest of her body. It will take a while to reach all the different parts, so he should be patient. But as soon as he says, “I’m sorry,” with true kindness and remorse, the generator to the Rage Monster will shut down and its products quickly fade away. Her true self will take over her mind and her vocal chords again.

What should he be sorry for? Women usually need to hear “I’m sorry” for two things. She needs him to apologize for whatever he said or did, or failed to say or do. And here’s the catch – even if it was justified. Suppose he was late because his boss kept him at work. Completely understandable. But she still needs him to apologize for being late.

The second thing is even more important. Sometimes it is all that matters. She needs him to apologize for how he made her feel. She needs him to apologize for hurting her. He should say, and mean, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” If she suddenly sobs when he says, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” he shouldn’t fear. This sob is a powerful release of the hard, black fist that has gripped her chest. These words open her prison, and soon, she will be tearful but almost smiling, and on her way back to breathing in life and energy again.

“Ouch” May be the Magic Word

Having recently discovered that Greg, my husband of ten years, didn’t know any of the above, I became passionate about telling every man I know, and encouraging other women to do the same. I also began to wonder if there is a way to short circuit the whole cycle. I asked Greg what might happen if, during the few moments before my throat shut down, I said, “Ouch.” Would that alert him to my being hurt? Would that have the lifeguard jump into the water immediately and save me? Greg thought it might.

I understood, of course, that saying “Ouch” would not be easy. When I have been hurt and the system is in the processing of shutting down, making me more vulnerable seems like the last thing I should do. But I was determined to try it at the earliest opportunity.

The very next evening Greg said something that hurt my feelings. Since I was on the way to the market with my mother, my throat didn’t immediately close down, so the Rage Monster could vocalize. I called Greg on my cell phone from the grocery store and gave him a piece of my mind. He reacted in anger and, naturally, fought back. That made the Rage Monster boil to dangerous levels. Some will of mine prevailed and I hung up, thereby gaining some crucial distance.

As I picked out cucumbers and peppers, a small voice in my head said, “Perhaps you should have said ‘Ouch’.” The Rage Monster responded, “It’s too late for that!”

When I arrived home, all the usual symptoms were there.

Although I was preparing dinner, I moved slowly, I could hardly speak and I couldn’t look at Greg at all. Then Annie, my youngest, volunteered to get something from the garage refrigerator, where Greg was at the time. Suddenly, I broke through and said, “Annie, tell Dad, ‘Mom says Ouch’.” She looked at her sister like I was crazy so I repeated myself more emphatically. She said okay and went to the garage.

I think he ran. A moment later he was encircling me with his arms and saying, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. Thank you so much for saying ‘Ouch.’ Thank you so much for telling me what you needed.” Suddenly I could speak. I told him simply what hurt. He apologized. We hugged. And it was over. Just like that.

I haven’t had the chance to try “Ouch” again. By understanding so much of men’s behavior, I am rarely hurt by the things they do.

So it was an experiment of only one incident. But since then I have spoken to hundreds of women about our feelings. They have all agreed with the description here.

I encourage you to try “Ouch” yourself. Whether you can do it in those first critical moments, or muster the ability some time later, as I did, I think it is worth doing. I would love to hear how it goes.

Peace.